Regrets

Lately, I've come to see how precious and special life is.  Part of this comes from reading random blogs in the moments when I'm avoiding the mountain of homework and reading assignments that looms overhead.  Another part of this comes from the wonderful and inspiring New Testament class I'm taking this semester.  And yet another part comes from working with and caring for so many critically ill patients in the clinical setting.

Anyway.  Life is precious.  Life is a miracle.  This is so easily ignored and forgotten in the hustle and bustle of school, work, church, family.  Life.

I've always known that life is more than just trudging through trial after trial.  Life is more than school and knowledge.  Life is more than family and friends.  Life is about love, and God, and happiness, and experience.  It always has been and always will be.  But I can't seem to keep that always in my mind, no matter how many times I hear it, or how hard I try to remember and remind myself.

So this stormy afternoon, as I sit listening to random songs, reading random blogs, I ask myself,

"Am I living my life without regrets?  Am I making the most of all that I have been given?  Am I taking advantage of the wonderful life I have?  Am I working to improve my life and the lives of those around me?"

In response to the last 3 questions, I think that I can say, yes, at least most of the time.  I think that I am doing my best, living the best life I can, making the best choices for my success, and working to lift others up with me.

But am I living without regrets?  No.  Maybe I'm just an over-achiever, but I feel like I'm never doing enough.  I feel selfish with my time.  I feel like there are so many words that go unsaid, talents that go unshared, and deeds that go undone because I'm timid.  (You may scoff and think I'm crazy, but there are many examples of me being timid.)  I'm timid because I don't want to offend people, I'm afraid of being criticized, I'm worried I'll be ignored, I'm scared to be wrong.  I'm afraid of failure because I feel like everyone expects me to succeed, in everything, and I can't let them down.

Now, I can't lie to myself and promise that I will magically change, stop being so timid and be more courageous.  But, I can promise myself to never give up.  I know that I'm going to fail sometimes.  I know life is hard.  I know I can't do everything.  I know all this.

I also know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who wants to see me succeed.  I know that I can do all things if I turn myself over to the Lord.  I know that it's okay to fail sometimes, as long as I don't let it keep me down.  I know all of these things, too.

So, yes, I may have regrets, and I probably always will.   But, it's okay.  I am doing the best I can and that's all I can do.  And for now, that's what I must do.