(Im)Pending Graduation

It's hard to believe that I'm about to graduate from college.  It's been four years of excitement, friends, and successes.  It's also been four years of stress, pain, drama, and yes, even failures.  Thankfully, the good times far outweigh the bad, which I have to tell myself almost every day.

Honestly, I never thought I'd get to this point in life.  I never thought I'd get to my senior year without getting married.  I never thought I would survive nursing school.  I never thought I wouldn't "go out with a bang," but right now that's the way it's looking.  Yes, school is going well and I absolutely love nursing, but my college career is certainly not ending the way I thought it would.  I always thought I would graduate from nursing school and take a job wherever my husband was working or going to school.  I always thought I would have a million friends by now and party away my last semester of nursing school.  Unfortunately, it isn't working out that way.

I have no idea where I'm going to work after graduation.  I don't know where I'm going to be living in 3 months.  There are so many decisions to make still and so much still to do before I'm done.  Even with all my "free" time between classes and my capstone clinical schedule, I live a really boring life.  But, it's okay.  It's all going to work out.  I'll find a job, I'll figure out where I'm supposed to live, maybe I'll take up a hobby.  Whatever happens, it all happens for a reason.

My Sweet,

I want you to always know that I love you more than anything.  You will always have a place by my side, no matter who else I'm hanging out with.  I want you to always feel included and comfortable with my circle of friends.

I promise to never push you to the side no matter what is going on in my life.  You will always be my #1.  It is not a competition for my love and attention, you hold a piece of my heart which I can never take back and I could never share with another.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I can't imagine a life without you.


I hope that we will have so many inside jokes, funny secrets, and knowing glances that imply meanings we could never utter aloud for fear of being called crazy.  These will be a sacred part of who we are as a couple.

We each have our own unique identities, but when we are together, you make me into so much more.  I strive to always be my best self for you and for our life together.  Our roles may be different, but I promise to recognize all you do for me and for us.  I love our teamwork and ability to solve problems, hand-in-hand.  There are some things I just can't do alone and you may never know how much I appreciate your strength.


I love you with all my heart.  You are my favorite.  Don't let me forget this, because times will get tough and I don't want to lose you.

All my love.

The Nativity

I know this is a little late for Christmas, but I've been kind of stuck on the Nativity story lately.  I've been looking at the different characters, or roles, in the nativity story and what we can learn from each of them.  Each part of the nativity story is there for a reason, the tale of the shepherds, the wisemen, the innkeeper... there's a reason why they are mentioned in the scripture stories.

My personal list of characters (in order of appearance):
Innkeeper (Luke 2:7)
Shepherds (Luke 2:8-20)
Simeon (Luke 2:25-35)
Anna (Luke 2:36-38)
Wisemen (Matthew 2:1-11)

Each of these characters plays an important role in the story of Christ's birth and stand as examples or measuring sticks to evaluate the part Christ plays in our lives.

First, Mary and Joseph encounter the Innkeepers that had no room to accommodate the small family.  Now, without being there, my appraisal of the situation is that the Innkeepers had no idea just who they was turning away that day in Bethlehem.  Whatever the circumstances, they were too busy, or too preoccupied, or too impatient to make room for Mary, Joseph, and the expectant Savior of the World.

Second, we meet the shepherds that heard the angels singing praises to the infant Christ child, saw the star and left their flocks to worship Him.  They left behind their livelihood, their way of life, and immediately answered the call to see and worship the Good Shepherd.

Third, we find Simeon and Anna at the Temple.  Simeon is a devout man of God that received a revelation telling him that on that day, he would see the salvation of men as promised to him.  Anna, a righteous widow, has spent the past 80-ish years worshiping and serving in the temple daily, which is no small feat by any standards.  Each of them prophesied of Christ's divinity in the temple while He was still just an infant in arms.

Lastly, we see the Wisemen come to the child, Jesus.  The Wisemen studied and knew the signs of the birth of their Lord, but they also watched for them.  They not only were prepared to see them, but they were ready and willing to heed those signs.  Travelling for many months, they brought the child gifts fit for a King, while neglecting to bring any gifts to the reigning King Herod.

With this cursory summary, I ask myself, what part would I have played in the Nativity?  Would I be an Innkeeper, unable to find room in my house and in my heart for the Christ child?  Am I a shepherd, willing to leave behind all of my worldly concerns to worship the Lord?  Am I Simeon or Anna, watching and preparing for the day when the Savior will come to His temple?  Am I a Wiseman, watching for the signs, then working and seeking out the Lord through those revelations, bringing Him the most precious sacrifice I have to offer?  What do I need to do to fill the role I want?

What role do you play?

Mission, Marriage, and Me

This week was finals week and during all the breaks between studying (read: periods of procrastination) I spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting.   

What really got me started was a meeting that I had on Monday with my ICU instructor, Sondra, who also was my instructor for Ecuador.  During our little end-of-semester wrap-up, she shared with me a little about what made it possible for me to go to Ecuador.  Part of the process of our study abroad application was to have an interview with the instructor to see what we had to bring to the table with our skills, personalities, knowledge, and experience.  When I interviewed with Sondra, I was nervous beyond belief.  I had no idea what to say and all of my high school Spanish evaporated off the tip of my tongue! I felt especially drawn to Ecuador and just knew I couldn’t afford to screw up.  Little did I know, but Sondra somehow could tell that I needed Ecuador.

Our instructors for Ecuador, Susie (left) and Sondra (right)

As I was talking to her on Monday she said, "Katrina, I don't think I ever told you this, but when I was conducting interviews for Ecuador, I just knew you needed to go with me.  I don't know why, and I knew you didn't speak Spanish, but I just knew I needed to take you to Ecuador with me.  This doesn't happen very often and most of the time it feels like 'it's okay, this person can go anywhere and get a great experience ' but with you, I knew you needed to go to Ecuador"  This sent my jaw to the floor and my mind reeling as I searched frantically to figure out why.  Why?  What did I need from that experience that I couldn't get somewhere else?

Over the next few days, I continued to mull this over in my head, frantically searching for the reason behind it all, when finally it just clicked.  This may sound really weird, but Sondra's statement is a second witness to me that I'm not going to serve a mission anytime soon.  When they announced the reduced age for missionary service, I felt like I'm not going to serve a mission, which I'd been struggling with.  Then, after talking with Sondra and reflecting about my experiences in Ecuador, I felt a confirmation that I won't be serving a mission (at least not anytime soon).  :-(

Some of the most precious children I've ever seen

In Ecuador, I proved myself.  I know what it’s like to be away from home with no solid way to contact my family.  I know what it’s like to talk to complete strangers and to truly love them.  I learned a lot about what kind of person I was and what I need to do with my life.  I need to love and serve people.  I also needed to learn that it’s okay to be on my own, I can handle myself and do anything I put my mind to. 

Admiring the Salt Lake Temple

This second part of the realization clicked on Wednesday when I was at Temple Square with my roommates and I had a few minutes to wander off and do my own thing.  I don’t constantly need someone by my side as I do fun things.  I can experience life all on my own!  This may sounds really dumb, but this was kind of a shock to me because I always felt that if I didn’t get married I’d really be a failure, which is NOT TRUE!  I can do anything.  I am confident, competent, and capable.  I don’t need someone to hold my hand while I do hard things because I can do them on my own.  …With that said, I haven’t lost all hope/desire to get married.  I don’t want to have to live my life on my own, but at least now I know I can, and that’s okay.

My forever favorite snuggle-buddy,

            Recently, I realized that I am more than capable of taking care of myself.  I won’t always need you to provide for me and take care of me, but please do.  I am confident, in charge, and independent, but I want you to make me feel like a little girl.  I want your confidence and strength so I don’t always have to be tough.  I want you to wrap me in your arms and just hold me.  Hold me like you’ll never let go.  Until you are here to stay, please forgive my tough-girl, independent, I-can-do-this-all-by-myself attitude because that’s just how I’ve learned to survive on my own.  Hopefully, you can look past my emotional security fences and see the real me underneath it all.

            Please don’t be intimidated by my confidence and my independent spirit.  I’m not trying to make it a competition between us, we’re supposed to be a team.  I want you to be a part of my life and I want to be able to work through life with you, even though I may, at times, try to go at it alone.  Don’t be afraid to give me a reality check if I forget that we are a dynamic duo and partners in crime, I’ve grown too used to doing it on my own.  And don’t be afraid to lean on me, I am here for you, I want you to want my help.  We are a team and I can’t wait to build my life with you.  It certainly won’t be easy, but nothing ever worth it is easy.  Together, we can make it all work.

Guarding my heart for you,

Katrina

When Someone Needs You...

...You answer their cry.  People matter, don't ever forget that.  It doesn't matter how well you know someone, if they need a friend, you better be that friend, because you don't want to look back at a missed opportunity with regret.

Tonight, one of my more distant friends was having a hard night.  Honestly, I probably wouldn't have thought much of it, but something inside me said that I needed to do something.  Seeing that I'm not best friends with this person, it was hard for me to make that leap and reach out my hand, but I knew I had to.  If I didn't, I knew I would regret it.  Yes, it was odd, and maybe even a little awkward, and probably crazy when you look at from the outside, but it was worth it.  I know it was the Spirit that spoke to me and prompted me to send that message, and I'm glad I did.  I don't know what was troubling my friend, I had no idea what to say when I picked them up, but I don't think it mattered.  I think the message of love, hope, and care was there, and I think that's all that was important.

I'm glad I listened when the call came.  I'm grateful I was able to hear the cry behind the simple, masked message of pain.  I'm grateful to be that saving grace for someone else, when I have so often been the one to call upon those tender mercies.

Please, take the time to slow down.  

Listen when someone is talking to you, and not just to the words, but to the message behind it all.  

Listen to their pain and do whatever is in your power to relieve it.  

Show love to those that you may easily overlook, simply because you "hardly know them."  

Take the time to serve, even it that means just 15 minutes to let someone know that you are there and you care.

Don't be afraid to take a leap into the awkward and unknown because you will always have the question of "what if I had?"

Most importantly, be a friend.  A true friend.  Someone that people know they can rely on.  You won't regret being "that friend" and they will never forget that you loved them.

New Year's Resolution Evaluation

Well, seeing as the year is already halfway gone, I figured it was a good time to reevaluate my goals for this year and here is the breakdown:

1.      Don't sweat the small stuff

a.       I think that this has been a really helpful resolution.  During Winter semester (Jan-April), I had a rough patch and felt like I was being dragged through the mud through no fault of my own.  Thankfully, with the help of friends and mentors, I was able to see that the issues were really small things that I was then able to let go and stop worrying about.

2.      Enjoy the journey, even if it sucks

a.       This one is a little harder, though I would say it’s still a work in progress, and always will be.  This summer, I got stuck in an apartment with people that I never would choose to live with, a class that wasn’t what I was expecting, and a calling that I didn’t really want.  Despite the collection of things working against me, I still think this has been a great term.  I’ve been able to spend a lot of time catching up with old friends, making new friends, learning how to teach myself a difficult topic.  I can truly say that this has been a fun, though accidental, adventure.

3.      Care less

a.       Kind of the same deal as the ones above, I’m learning to let loose and not stress so much when there’s nothing I can do to fix it.

4.      Have fun, make happy memories

a.       I have had one of the most memorable years!  I went to Ecuador, welcomed 5 babies into the world, made new friends, got to share my testimony with complete strangers, etc.  There are for sure things that I still want to do or wish I could have done, but I think I’m really living up to this one.

5.      Meet new people (Be more outgoing)

a.       Done!  I’ve gotten to know new people in my ward and gotten to know some people even better than before.  I’m meeting people in my classes, catching up with old friends, and talking to complete strangers on flights, in the store, at the doctor’s office, just about everywhere.  I LOVE all that I’ve learned from being outgoing. 

                                                              i.      Oh, and fun fact, I’ve even gone so far as to give my number to a server at a restaurant.  What!?  I don’t do this sort of thing,… BUT I DID! I’m living life on the edge!  Haha

6.      Get to know more people in my ward

a.       Like I said for #5, my world has kind of changed, and I have made a ton more friends.

7.      Go on more dates

a.       Surprisingly, even this goal has been accomplished, but then again it’s not hard to beat nothing.  Now, I’m sure you would love to hear all the “juicy” details, but I’m sorry, I’m not going to express such personal information that involves other people in a public forum without their approval.  But if you really must know, just come talk to me.  J

8.      Love completely (Christ-like love to all people and maybe romantically, too)

a.       This one is a little hard I think, but I think I’ve been doing pretty well with it.  Without conscious effort, I feel like I’ve been able to accept people from all situations and types of life and feel genuine love for them.  Especially after going to Ecuador, I just want to be able to serve and love those that are in need.  I honestly miss the connection that comes from loving and serving with people.

9.      Keep my apartment clean

a.       …kind of hard to do when you don’t spend much time there, and when the mess is never yours…

10.  Study the Book of Mormon every day

a.       Yeah, this one has been a failure, though I have had some spurts of success…

11.  Speak my mind (Be more open and decisive)

a.       I think I may be a little too decisive and open now… but hey, it’s better than being a hermit that never gets heard!  I’m working on not swinging too far into this by being so overbearing/stubborn when I speak my mind.

12.  Do hard things with confidence

a.       Well… I’ve done hard things, but not always with confidence.  Does that count?

Anyway, moral of the story, I think my goals were pretty reasonable and I’m really liking the improvements I see in myself and in my relationships with others.  These goals are helping me to define who I am and who I want to become, which I think is so important right now, especially as I face graduation and starting my life’s career.  I’ll be keeping this around for a while longer, and feel free to adopt any of them for yourself.  They don’t have to be formal goals, but even just an idea of something to work towards.

How are your resolutions turning out?