Family

I love my family more than anything else.  Even though we've had our share of drama, fights, hurtful words, and uncomfortable situations, we are still a family.  I know this all the way from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

Family is everything to me.  Sure, we aren't the most lovey-dovey, hugs-and-kisses bunch, but that's okay.  That's my family and I love them with all of their imperfections, just as they love me with all of my *many* imperfections.

My Mom has been one of my biggest supports over this last week of midterms, projects, homework, etc.  I've probably called home at least a dozen times in the last week.  Sometimes stressed and in tears, and sometimes just to hear the voices of those that love me, and sometimes just to let them know that school hasn't killed me yet.  Haha, there may have been some close calls...  ;-)

No matter what the circumstance, my attitude, the reason for my call, my Mom is always there to offer a listening ear and words of comfort, advice, love, and tenderness.  

I'm certain there are people that don't always see this side of her, and I'm sorry you don't see her this way, because she is one of the most amazing people I know.  

Her quirky sense of humor.

That little smirk that comes with every teasing comment.

The sweet smile you get to see in the fleeting moments of happiness.

That's the Mom that I grew up with.  That's the Mom I love.  That's the Mom that loves me wholly, unconditionally, and would do anything she could to make me happy.  She would protect me from every pain and trial if she could.

I know it's not just for me, either.  She would do this for any of her children.

To me, this is love.  

Regrets

Lately, I've come to see how precious and special life is.  Part of this comes from reading random blogs in the moments when I'm avoiding the mountain of homework and reading assignments that looms overhead.  Another part of this comes from the wonderful and inspiring New Testament class I'm taking this semester.  And yet another part comes from working with and caring for so many critically ill patients in the clinical setting.

Anyway.  Life is precious.  Life is a miracle.  This is so easily ignored and forgotten in the hustle and bustle of school, work, church, family.  Life.

I've always known that life is more than just trudging through trial after trial.  Life is more than school and knowledge.  Life is more than family and friends.  Life is about love, and God, and happiness, and experience.  It always has been and always will be.  But I can't seem to keep that always in my mind, no matter how many times I hear it, or how hard I try to remember and remind myself.

So this stormy afternoon, as I sit listening to random songs, reading random blogs, I ask myself,

"Am I living my life without regrets?  Am I making the most of all that I have been given?  Am I taking advantage of the wonderful life I have?  Am I working to improve my life and the lives of those around me?"

In response to the last 3 questions, I think that I can say, yes, at least most of the time.  I think that I am doing my best, living the best life I can, making the best choices for my success, and working to lift others up with me.

But am I living without regrets?  No.  Maybe I'm just an over-achiever, but I feel like I'm never doing enough.  I feel selfish with my time.  I feel like there are so many words that go unsaid, talents that go unshared, and deeds that go undone because I'm timid.  (You may scoff and think I'm crazy, but there are many examples of me being timid.)  I'm timid because I don't want to offend people, I'm afraid of being criticized, I'm worried I'll be ignored, I'm scared to be wrong.  I'm afraid of failure because I feel like everyone expects me to succeed, in everything, and I can't let them down.

Now, I can't lie to myself and promise that I will magically change, stop being so timid and be more courageous.  But, I can promise myself to never give up.  I know that I'm going to fail sometimes.  I know life is hard.  I know I can't do everything.  I know all this.

I also know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who wants to see me succeed.  I know that I can do all things if I turn myself over to the Lord.  I know that it's okay to fail sometimes, as long as I don't let it keep me down.  I know all of these things, too.

So, yes, I may have regrets, and I probably always will.   But, it's okay.  I am doing the best I can and that's all I can do.  And for now, that's what I must do.

My Moving To-Do List

I am a total list-maker.  I make lists for everything.  Moving back to Utah was no exception.  Even before I started thinking about packing, I made myself a to-do list of things I needed to accomplish.  The list went something like this:

1. Find a substitute pianist (because I was leaving a week earlier than previously planned)
2. Say goodbye to my friends
3. Cry
4. Get excited to see Will and Nancy and Eva!
5. Then remember that I first have to say goodbye to my family
6. Cry some more
7. Groan about having to pack
8. Actually pack
9. Say goodbye to my family
10. Cry
11. Drive to Utah
12. See Will, Nancy, and Eva!

So, yeah.  I'm always very sad to leave California.  (Don't judge me just because I am very attached to my family.)  This time I think it was a little harder because I might not move back home next summer.  I have one extra class I need to take and I can't fit it anywhere in my schedule.  I'll probably end up staying in Utah next summer so I can get it done.  :-/  In which case, I'll only be home on breaks.  :-(

So Much is Changing

So much is happening in the next 2 weeks!  And each event has a bittersweet quality to it.

• Thursday--I have my last day at my job, as a nanny to this cute little girl.
• Friday--I turn 20, leave behind my teens, grow up (just a little bit), grow closer to the age I act, enter a new decade.
• Sunday--I speak in church and teach Relief Society
• Wednesday--I say goodbye to all of my friends here in California.
• Thursday--I say goodbye to my family :-( and head for Provo, with my Mom!!!!  I'm so excited she's going with me, excited to see my Brother, Sister-in-law, Niece, and future niece or nephew.  (Mom hasn't been able to drive me out to school before.  I've always gone with Dad, but this time Mom is coming!)
• Saturday--I say goodbye to my Mommy and put her on a plane back to California.  :-(
• Monday--I move into my new apartment.  In Provo.  All by myself.

I'm not excited for all of the changes, but I'm looking forward to all of the amazing experiences, memories, and opportunities that come as life moves forward.  

You can't stand still and expect everything to remain the same.  Life is like walking up the down escalator and you have to keep climbing, otherwise you're moving backwards.  So, I'm excited to keep climbing and experiencing.  :-)

...Hopefully I won't be singing a different tune when life kicks into high gear.  Haha

Pride and Prejudice

So yes, I am now one of those girls that reads Jane Austen.  I recently picked up Pride and Prejudice from the library and it's my first Jane Austen encounter.  So far, it's a pretty good book, though I admit some of the dated language is not my favorite to read.

Anyway, I've been reading Pride and Prejudice and I kind of feel like a Charlotte Lucas.  Plain Jane, nothing fantastic.  I'm praying that I don't end up settling for a Mr. Collins.  Haha.  Sure, he's a good guy, but I don't want to just be content.  I want happily ever after.

I want the love of my life.
My other half.
My best friend.
My partner in crime.
Forever and for always.

And I want to be all that to somebody.

And you know what, I know it will happen.  Someday, somewhere, it will happen.  The only way it won't happen is if I give up.  If I choose to settle.  So, I'm not going to let myself be like Charlotte Lucas, I'm going to hold out.  Stick to my guns.

Be the Elizabeth Bennett I know I am and can be.
Find my Mr. Darcy.

...or perhaps let him find me.  ;-)

Stargazing and an Epiphany

Saturday night, I went with a bunch of friends up to Ice House Road, Pollock Pines, to go stargazing.  It was a beautiful night.  The sky was clear, we were far above any light pollution from the city, and it wasn't as cold as I had expected.  There were several shooting stars throughout the night.  And I swear, there were more stars visible than I'd seen in the planetarium when I took astronomy.

This was the point where I had my epiphany.  One of my friends pointed out that seeing so many stars in such a vast, open space makes him feel small, which he didn't really like.  Personally, I love seeing so many stars and God's beautiful creations.  I never really think about how small and insignificant we really are until I look at the big, intergalactic, eternal picture.  And unlike my friend, I realized,

I like to feel small.

That sounds so strange, but I like to know there is more out there than what I can see and feel around me.  I even like when I find people that know more than me.  Granted, I'm not so fond of people that try to one-up me, especially in my own strengths.  For some reason, I like the humbling experience of realizing I don't know everything--so long as that realization doesn't come from someone being cocky.  (I used to be one of those "know-it-all"s, but I like to think I've changed.)

I love to learn.

If I find out that you know something interesting that I don't, I will likely ask you questions.  Pick your brain.  Learn what I can.  Until my curiosity is satisfied.

And I think this kind of brings me back to my post "What are YOU thinking about?"  I realize, I am kind of a know-it-all, and that is intimidating.  But really, I don't care if you know anything about nursing, or physiology, or chemistry, or biology, or mathematics.  I like when my friends have different backgrounds and strengths because then we lift each other up.  We teach each other.  We learn together.  And to me, that's what friendships and relationships are all about, people working together to better themselves and each other.  So, instead of being intimidated by intelligent, or experienced, or brave, or bold people, I think we should seek them out.  If you meet someone that knows something different from you, has a different opinion, or even just a different personality, become their friend.  Maybe you can learn something from them and they can learn something from you at the same time.  You'd be surprised.

California State Fair

Today was a fun day at the state fair.  Yes, it was freaking hot outside, but it was still really fun.

Why?

Well, I nanny this cute little girl, she's 1 1/2 years old, and we just have fun together.  And today, I got to take her to the fair with me.  It was a cool experience to get to see everything from the point of view of a one year-old.  She loved the animals and wanted to pet every one.  She also wanted to be out running around, but her little legs tired so quickly, which meant she wanted to be carried.  I'm so thankful for strollers!  I was even fortunate enough to get her to take a nap.  (It was only 30 minutes, but when she woke up, she was happy and ready to get going again.)

I now also realize why going to the fair has never been a big deal in my family.  It's a long, hot day.  And when you have little kids, you have to be creative and find things that interest them.  Sure, if you're made of money it would be easy because then you would just pay for all of the bells and whistles, but if you're not, like myself, then you learn to enjoy the free attractions.  :-)

Anyway, it was a fun day.  If possible, you should visit the California State Fair, it's cool.  :-)

Going Public

My blog used to be "private" and only close friends and family were allowed to read my posts.  Now, I am here to tell you that my blog is now open to public viewing.  So, feel free to read and comment, but if you post inappropriate comments, I will delete them.

What Are YOU Thinking About?

I've had a lot of time to just ponder my future, where will life take me, what can i plan for, is the future any brighter than the present... etc.  One of the topics I most frequently pause on is, of course, love.  I've had a LOT of time to ponder this and reflect on my lack of "true love," and honestly, it sucks!  It seems like every other song on the radio is about some love story, or somebody's love-life gone wrong, etc.

I love the idea of being in love, spending eternity with one special someone, having a family, having someone that is always there to listen and love me.  I am not the kind of girl that gets asked out often, in fact I've probably been on... 5 or less *real* dates.  Yeah, I'm almost 20 years-old and I've never been kissed, only had one boyfriend, and hardly have any dating experience.  I'm kind, I try to get guys attention--the *right* way--by dressing modestly, being friendly, smile, talk, laugh,...  Yet, no bites.  Seriously!?

The one excuse I've heard for why one guy didn't like me, was because I'm intimidating.  WHAT?  I thought guys *liked* confidence.  But then again, I am a brainiac, I like to lead in groups, I'm independent, I have goals and direction in my life.  Are those things so bad?  No?  Then why does everyone act like they are?!  Just because you're not on the same path as I am, it doesn't mean I'm not interested.  I'm not asking for a marriage proposal, I just want a first date, heck I'll even settle for some guy to just *notice* me.

I feel like I'm doing everything right; I go to church, I read my scriptures, I go to church activities, I attend the temple regularly,...  What am I doing wrong?  Where is my Prince Charming?  ...Heck, I'll even take a Beast.  I just want to get out of the slump I've been in my whole life, the rut called "friends."  It's the worst ditch to ever be stuck in because there really is no way to get out of it.  I'm spinning my tires, going no where, and I have no clue what to do next.  How am I going to dig my way out, sling some mud, and go out on a date?  Do I have to take the first step, like I've done my whole life?  Sure, I like to be a leader, but I also like the traditional model of dating, especially since I feel like guys would be even more intimidated if *I asked *them out. :-/

1 1/2 years...

So, I doubt anyone even checks this blog anymore, but for those who do:

I sincerely apologize for my lack of posting, both here and on facebook. I have realized that I don't want my life to be so public all the time and also, the newness of the blog wore off. My other excuse is that I have been journaling instead, which has given me my own private way to record and reflect on memories and events.

The list of updates (details not included) are:

• I got accepted into the BYU College of Nursing and am now in my second semester. I have 2 years left.
• One of my best friends, Amber Rivers, got accepted to BYU
• We are rooming together and having a blast (it's kind of scary how much we do together and how crazy we are together)
• I started dating this guy in my ward right after Halloween, we broke up in December because he got his mission call, but we're still friends. (yes, it's a little bit awkward. And it's kind of a long-ish story that I wouldn't mind sharing, just send me an email or call me up or something)
• I wake up at 4:00am every Wednesday to go to the clinical setting for one of my nursing classes.
• I'm getting better at waking up to an alarm
• I've never read so many textbooks with so much diligence as this semester (all the reading is required and you are graded on whether you do it or not.)
• I drove home on a 3-day weekend, through the snow to surprise my Mom and family (my Dad knew I was coming)
• I've started writing a bucket list, just because I watched the movie "The Bucket List" and Amber and I thought it would be fun
• I really want a puppy, preferably a therapy dog because we learned about therapy animals in one of my classes
• I miss being involved in musical numbers because one roommate is a vocalist and another roommate is a pianist, so I'm always overlooked for my musical talents (Never thought I'd be saying that)
• I've learned so much about people and made so many friends through my classes and my clinical setting
• I'm learning quickly what type of people I like (mostly people I don't like) to live with and/or associate with regularly and on a long-term basis.
• I LOVE BYU! I've been having so much fun and despite the increased work load, I have learned how to better manage my time and all the stresses of being a nursing student in such a competitive program.

Basically, that's the rundown on the last year and a half. I know I left out a lot of details, but I'm just not motivated to type them out right now, though I wouldn't mind giving more specifics.